Quickie: Divine Divinity

3 05 2009

I bought Divine Divinity from Target for $2.49. It was released in 2002, the game is an action-rpg with actual role playing when you’re not fighting (dialog and what not). It has been one of Target’s “budget” games for a while. Budget is quoted because of the stigma of being associated with titles like Prison Tycoon and countless diner dash knockoffs, however on this same rack you can find Civilization 3, Railroad Tycoon 2 and Galactic Civilization II: Dread Lords. It’s really not a bad place to spend a few bucks sometimes. Anyway, I live in a college town, so people don’t have the time to play video games, myself included, and the rest are … characters that wouldn’t want to play Divine Divinity. There were almost about 4 copies there for $2.49. I snatched it right up for that price, I’ve spent more on dysentery from Steak ‘n Shake.

Flaming rectum

Flaming rectum

I was excited, although felt the wahjah from taking a game with cover that could be mild biblical porn (rule 34) to the register. The baby food in the other hand might have helped, or exponentially worsened the situation, hard to tell looking back.

cue the let there be... jokes

Let there be side boob!

I installed it, got a no-cd fix and just started playing tonight. The game gives you three classes: warrior, wizard and rogue, in male and female flavors. Typical. I ended up choosing a female thief (rogue) because I felt sexy. Then I walked the character around for three seconds. Lowe and behold:

Practical

The front of the damn thing looked ridiculous enough, with every fantasy cliche being fulfilled, heaving cleavage and swimsuit cut chest armor, and yet gauntlets and knee-highs for armor value. Then I saw the back:

Yet shiny

Seriously? Fitting that I am literally spelunking for the screen shot. I mean the fiancee seeing the box art was bad enough, but got forbid she actually sees this. The game isn’t bad though, at least I’m enjoying the first hour I spent with it. The big complaint I have is your vision is limited to a circle the equivalent of 7 or 8 feet around your character, the rest concealed with the fog of war. It’s a real shame, the world actually looks really nice, the graphics aren’t as dated as I would have thought, the 2d style with 3d characters and details looks stylized rather than limited. I can see myself sinking quite a bit more time into it, at least until Good Old Games puts Baldur’s Gate up, at which point I might get drawn away for a while. One other complaint? These catacombs I was in, that may or may not be an accessory to demonic activities, presumably ruled by a maleficent ruler, has laying around, among corpses strewn about like garland in Macy’s on Christmas and spider webs that would make Jeff Daniels uneasy, the hell fiends thought ahead to lock their barrel. Singular. There is one locked barrel. The others are unlocked.

Oh, I see the lock now.

Oh, I see the lock now.

I saw this barrel twice. I just stabbed the barrel in the middle and it exploded, revealing it’s hidden gold to me. Nullifying the one advantage you might have to locking a barrel. Other locked things have you go through a manner of unlocking them: key or pick. I can stab open a locked barrel but not a door made from rotted wood that’s much less dense? I can’t show the blacksmith my heaving breasts and have him open the door? Dragon Age, how about we fix a few of those problems. Maybe even let me take off the steel thong once my dagger breaks and use it as a rudimentary Bat’Leth. I’ll settle for characters that resemble the average people they are portraying, not LA strippers or professional baseball players.

A Rod

Also: bulge

Also, if anybody knows a club that has dancers wearing metal thongs, please post it in the comments.